Supporting a Young Person with their Anger

As a parent, carer, friend or other family member, one of the hardest things to see is your young person in distress.

Anger can be a person’s way of expressing distress and it can feel like their anger is directed at you. This can especially be the case when you feel like you are trying to offer to help – even though you may not be the cause of it you often you are the brunt of it.

It can be difficult for the whole family when a young person is struggling with their anger. We hope this blog can help you in supporting your young person with their anger, and support yourself.

What is Anger?

Anger is a natural human emotion – everyone gets angry at some point. This is healthy, anger is a healthy emotion, it’s a natural response to many events that can happen in life, like being attacked, insulted, lied-to or feeling misunderstood. However, it can become an issue when it affects our relationships with those around us.

When someone becomes angry, adrenaline rushes through the body, often giving them nervous-type energy and causing tension to build. Common to anger is the ‘fight or flight’ response – where you make a split-second decision to stay and ‘fight’ the thing that is making you angry, or ‘flee’ from it to escape the situation. Our fight flight freeze is actioned as a response to when we feel threatened either physically or emotionally. It is to keep us safe from perceived danger. Anger is a response to a direct threat physically, or emotional due to a build up of emotions that we keep hidden until it explodes, almost like a volcano. Anger is often a distraction from our pain.

It is completely fine to feel angry from time to time, but anger can become an issue if it is bottled up or if it begins to take over. Being angry is not, in itself, a problem, but the way we deal with it might be, especially if it becomes harmful to others or themselves.

Why Might They Be Feeling Angry?

There are lots of different reasons why a young person may be struggling with anger, and it could be a combination of different things.

• Big life changes in the family
• Bullying/Cyberbullying
• Current or past experiences of abuse
• Experiencing or being a victim of discrimination or a hate crime
• Low self-esteem
• Previously witnessing someone else’s anger
• Menstrual cycle – PMS and PMDD
• Many of the things that build up and come out as anger are due to things outside of our control or things that feel unjust

What Do Young People Wish Adults Knew About Anger?

We asked our Communications Officer, Abbie, what she wished her parents and other adults knew when she was struggling with her anger, and what would have helped.

“I wish they knew that I wasn’t angry with them, but the situations we were going through. My anger only surfaced when I was around them as I felt safe at home to feel my emotions, but this meant they were impacted by it most. I felt truly horrible inside after my anger exploded onto them, I felt like an empty shell of just guilt afterwards.

I wish they told me it was okay to feel and be angry – I felt so much shame about it which meant I kept it inside me until it burst out of me out of my control. I didn’t want it to happen, but it became an endless cycle of my struggles exploding as a ball of anger in a failed attempt of a call for help.”

What Can I Do to Support Them?

Below are some things you can do to support your young person, this list is not exhaustive and you may find other ways that work better for you both.

• Be aware of your own emotions and feelings – In moments like this it can be easy to be triggered due to your own emotions or feelings.
• Stay calm – responding with anger is likely to worsen the situation, so stay calm and keep open body language. Calm your own nervous system down by taking a breath in and blowing it out, this will hopefully calm your nervous system down, so it also does not go into high alert.
• Remind yourself they are venting – it is not a personal attack, they for most part will regret what they say later. Ignore the bad language, the comments that may feel personal.
• Listen to their words – If you can listen to the words they are using, don’t try to interrupt them. Allow them the safe place they need until they are done.

When they have calmed down, you can repeat what they have said eg “I hear you are feeling frustrated”, “I can imagine how that’s making you feel” “Do you know where that’s coming from”

• Ask them what they need – they may not want you to give them an answer or solve the problem, they may just want to safely express their emotions or the situation. They may want space or physical contact to help them calm down.
• Acknowledge their feelings – tell them you understand that they may be feeling upset or angry. This may be a good opportunity to remind them that it’s okay to feel that way and suggest some healthy ways of expressing it – especially if they are behaving in a way that is harmful to themselves or others
• Check in with them –  have open conversations around this and see if there is anything they may want/need
• Keep an eye on their mood – anger can flair up if they are frustrated with themselves, and/ or suffering from withdrawal (if they have started vaping/smoking or other substances they know are not good for them.)
• Help them find support – our signposting website can help your young person find support that is right for them if they feel this is something they would like

Remember that a young person may not want your support and that is okay – don’t force it upon them. Do let them know that you are there if they ever want to talk about it as they may come to you when they feel ready and able to.

Looking after you!

Don’t forget to look after yourself whilst supporting your young person, you won’t be able to help them if you are burnt out! Remember the Oxygen mask analogy, put your own mask on before helping anyone else- sometimes easier said than done!

• Talk about it with a trusted person – it may be helpful to talk it through with someone you trust, who is outside of what is going on as they will able to listen and may be able to offer another perspective. Ensure that you are doing this away from your young person and that the conversation will stay confidential
• Seek professional support – It may be helpful to talk with a professional to help figure out what your own triggers are and where they come from. This will help communication with your young person as you will be able to differentiate what are your emotions and what is theirs. There is a charity called PEGS (Parental Education Growth Support), which may be valuable support if you feel you are feeling fearful, isolated or treading on eggshells.

• If you feel unsafe – remove yourself from the situation if you feel that you or other members of your family are at risk of physical harm. You can call 999 if there is a danger to life or if violence is being used or threatened or 101 in a non-emergency situation to talk to a local police officer.

Created by Abbie, Communications Officer, and Rachel, Counsellor.